Friday The 13th

1st Austin Clown Crawl Itinerary

To: Fellow Clowns

From: Redneck the Clown & Hickey the Love Clown

Date: June 11, 2003

Subject: Final Details of the 1^st Austin Clown Crawl Friday the 13^th, June 2003

PRELIMINARY MATTERS

1. BUS: We managed to find a larger yellow school bus with AC, so we upgraded to that. You will thank us when you get on the bus and have room to rest your big clown ass. Whether we can bring beer on the bus is a bit of a grey area at this point. Prudence and caution dictate that we should try to bring a couple cheap and/or not-so-obvious coolers on the bus to get us through those long 5-minute bus rides. We'll appoint a couple deputies to handle this task.

2. Take note of the system for moving onto the next bar. We will have an airhorn or some similarly obnoxious loud noisemaker with us. When you hear ONE LOUD horn, it is a ten-minute warning. For some Clowns, this means you need to finish your drink and head for the bus or the next bar. For Clowns hanging out with Redneck the Clown, this means you have just enough time to order two more shots. When you hear TWO LOUD horns, we're out the door and headed for the next bar. IMMEDIATELY. We re-urge you to bring plenty of cash so you don't have to screw with opening and closing credit card tabs B we just don't have the time. We're Clowns on a Mission.

THE SCHEDULE:

6:30 Opal Divine’s Freehouse

700 W. 6^th St.

http://www.opaldivines.com

Be on time. Bring obnoxious signs to show to passers-by driving home from work. The bus will leave Opal Divine's for the next stop at precisely 7:15.

7:30 Hula Hut (the back bar at the west end of the pier)

3826 Lake Austin Blvd

http://www.hulahut.com

Order a Mexican Martini. Mingle. Male Clowns: ask the best looking girl in the place if she's ever seen a Grown Clown naked. Bus will leave for next stop at precisely 8:00.

8:15 Group Photo at Sunset by the Stevie Ray Vaughan Statue

South Side of Town Lake west of the South First bridge

http://www.thestocktank.com/ptex0003.htm

8:30 Donn’s Depot

1600 W. 5^th St.

http://www.donnsdepot.com

We'll be here just long enough for a group Clown dance with the old folks. Bus will leave at 9:20. Female Clowns: play some strip blackjack. Tucker Max will deal. www.tuckermax.com

8:00 Deep Eddy Cabaret

Lake Austin Blvd.

As fine an example of an Austin dive bar as you will find. The smoke in the air dates back to cigarettes that were lit in the early 70s. Great juke box, lot’s of regulars who will either love you or hate you. Pearl beer on tap in a 48 oz. mug. If you feel the need to take a crap, this probably isn’t the place to do it.

9:30 Cedar Door

Corner of 2^nd and Brazos

http://www.cedardooraustin.com

Quick stop here. Have another Mexican Martini.

10:20 Dan McKlusky’s

Corner of San Jacinto and 6^th Street

http://www.danmckluskys.com

Wave goodbye to our Yellow Bus, as we hoof it from here on out. The early over/under for Clowns vomiting on the bus is four. There is nothing funnier than a clown covered in vomit. See "Shakes the Clown" starring Bobcat Goldthwait (available at your video store B essential research for this Mission).

10:45 Texas Lottery Broadcast

Corner of 6^th and Red River

At 10:12pm, they will broadcast the number drawing for the Texas Lottery live on news programs across the state. They have a viewing booth for folks to watch. It’s made of glass. We will have a glass box full of clowns to help them out.

11:00 Ivory Kats Piano Bar

300 E. 6^th St.

No website

Where we'll watch Hickey the Clown perform his own special version of "Burnin' Love." That Mexican Martini you had at Cedar Door will help you through this spectacle.

11:30 B.D. Riley’s Irish Pub

204 E. 6^th Street

http://www.bdrileys.com

The Irish Band playing that night will be cued to wrap up the song they're singing at the first sight of a clown. We'll make our entrance here to the sweet serenade of Send in the Clowns, courtesy of one of our clowns with talent on an Alto Sax. Best pour of Guinness in town. Play some darts. Better yet, throw darts at each other. We'll leave this bar at 12:15 and head over to the 4^th street area. Get a pedicab/rickshaw if you can find one. Not because it's that long of a walk, but because it's making us laugh as we sit here typing this thinking of 40 drunk clowns being taken to Speakeasy in rickshaws.

12:30 Speakeasy

412-D Congress Ave, in the alley between 4^th & 5^th streets behind Alamo Drafthouse

http://www.speakeasyaustin.com

Our one high-brow place. We had to trade Cuba Libre for Speakeasy because the manager of Cuba Libre said he didn't think he could squeeze 47 clowns would fit in the place at midnight. Mark tried to point out, again, that he once saw 30 clowns fit in a Volkswagen, but no dice. In any event, Speakeasy is filled with plenty of pretentious people that we can annoy. Don't have a Mexican Martini here. Go for the clown whiskey instead.

1:10 Cuba Libre

The back entrance to Cuba Libre is exactly across from the exit from Speakeasy and is a straight line through the bar to get to Polly Esther's. Thus, the manager is going to let us in the back door and we will stroll in a single file line through Cuba Libre and out the front door to get to Polly Esther's. No one say a single word to the bewildered drunks inside.

1:15 Polly Esther’s

404 Colorado Street

http://www.austinsings.com/pollyesthers.html

The grand finale. Plenty of things to get you arrested here -- disco music upstairs, 80s music downstairs, bachelorette parties galore. 40 Clowns doing the Hustle and YMCA. We can't wait. This comes directly from their website describing this Friday the 13^th:

Friday June 13 Foam Parties

Who cares if it is Friday the 13th?? Get wet at Polly's in our legendary foam party. Over 5 feet of sultry bubbles to play in. We open the back patio to the stars and let you guys frolick in the suds!!! No cover in swimwear all night long. $3.00 Skyy Drinks all night long and $2.50 Coors Lights. Ladies, win $250 in our Hot Bikini Contest. 21+ before 2:00 18+ after 2:00.

So bring your bikinis to put over your clown suits.

2:30 Take Me to Katz’s

600 Block of W. 6^th Street

http://www.katznevercloses.com

Right across the street from where the night started. Have a Reuben. They're the best ever. Throw a cheese stuffed potato at another clown. We are truly frightened about what may happen here. We assume that everyone will not be ready to leave Polly Esther's at the same time. Plan to make the walk to Katz's in groups for security. It will be humorous for numerous groups of 4-8 clowns to arrive separately for seating at Katz's.

And remember, CABS, CABS, CABS!!!!!! DO NOT DRIVE!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE WEARING CLOWN SHOES.

As we've made clear, you must be in a clown costume to get on the bus. The only exceptions are our photographer/videographer(s). Your clown should have some specific identity -- the less tasteful, the better. For example, Hickey the Love Clown gives hickeys to children, old ladies, and passed-out women. Redneck the Clown works at a rodeo and mates with his cousins. If you're having trouble putting your costume together, relax. It's easy. See the links below for pictures, ideas, etc. There are several clown types from which to choose (whiteface clown, auguste clown, Fellini/tramp clown, rodeo clown, etc.). If you haven't ordered costume pieces on-line at this point, then you probably need to put it together locally at Lucy in Disguise, the Bazaar, Goodwill, etc. If you want to discuss your clown concept, send us an email. We have plenty of disgusting ideas.

If you feel the need to be a mime, that is okay but please remember that mimes are to clowns what cats are to dogs, what Aggies are to Longhorns, what Hatfields are to McCoys. If you dress as a mime, you are liable to get your ass kicked by drunken rodeo clowns. See "Shakes the Clown."

Right now we have 47 confirmed Clowns. About 40 or so are on the bus. See you Friday at 6:30 pm !!!!!!!!!!!!!